Ask A Dad

This Father's Day, your real life questions are answered by a real life Dad. Submit your questions to jsfuller77 at gmail dot com. You may also want to consider your questions for next week's columns, Ask An ESL Teacher and Ask A Computer Programmer.

Q: What's it like being a Dad?
A: It's not what you'd expect. At first you think it's going to be all pillow fights and hair-tousling, but it's a lot of work. The first couple years, you're exhausted just from all the asking your wife what you should do. There are diapers to change, and...mostly that's it. But after the diaper phase, it gets more rewarding. Now I get to play Lego with my kids, do art projects, and have them bring me whatever I want while I'm reading the paper.

Q: What's the best way to get a job as a Dad?
A: There are plenty of positions open, but not all potential employers are interested in landing the most qualified applicant. Your best bet is to play up your strengths. If you're funny, make them laugh. If you're good-looking, smile disarmingly. If you're smart, use your brain to figure out how to be either funny or good-looking. If you're all three, stay far away from my house.

Q: Is there a part of Dadding that is overwhelming to you?
A: Well, no one likes to talk about it, but one aspect that is really staggering to me is when I think about all the movies kids haven't seen yet when they're born. I mean, my generation had great movies coming out when we were kids, such as Back to the Future, The Princess Bride, and animated classics like Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin, and we also had to catch up on the greats from before our time like E.T., Bambi, Peter Pan, and as we got a little older, the Star Wars trilogy. Now it's my job to get my kids acquainted with all these amazing cinematic milestones and hundreds more from bygone days, while also making sure they get a balanced diet of the newer fare, from Babe and Toy Story to Harry Potter and Wall-E. And I don't even want to think about them reaching high school or even college age without me realizing that they've missed some crucial Hollywood accomplishment, the lack of which might eventually result in shocked disbelief or cruel mocking on the part of their peers. Can you imagine your child someday drinking beer with his buddies and having to admit that he's never seen Goodfellas? And that's without even going near the topic of rock music. One's responsibilities as a parent are truly daunting.

Q: What's your favorite part of the job?
A: Well of course you can't beat just plain old hugs and kisses from your kids, but other than that I really enjoy the chances to teach my kids something new. The first time Toby figured out how to throw a ball, Alicia's first ponytail, every day is a chance to unveil a new horizon. At what age does our universe become finite? If there's one image that I associate with fatherhood, it's holding on to the back of the bicycle seat, letting go and seeing them finally get it, pedaling on their own and shrieking with joyful terror. The only downside of all the first times is that, ipso facto, you only get each one once. So make them count.

Q: Have you seen my blue socks?
A: They're behind the couch. What does that have to do with being a Dad?

Q: I'm asking the questions.
A: Sorry.

Q: So what does a real life Dad want for Father's Day?
A: Great question. I have no idea. I have a hard enough time figuring out what I would like, let alone what to get my own Dad. We enjoy going out for unhealthy food like Famous Dave's, Papa John's, Don Pablo's...actually, just look for a restaurant named after some sort of male. But the best thing you can give a Dad is time. Even just an hour or two of your leaving him alone has the potential to become a treasured memory. No, I'm kidding. As Dads, we just want to be loved and appreciated by our families. Even a phone call will do. At least, that's what I'm hoping this year.

Q: What about power tools?
A: That's a myth. The implication that work is expected of us is too great.