You are incredible! I can't possibly worry about my little girl when so many people are praying for her and loving her. Thank you for carrying this for me and us. Thank you thank you!
On Thanksgiving I wrote that I was doing just fine. And I was. But things went downhill fairly fast from there. And yet things getting worse didn't necessarily mean that I wasn't going to make it to 36 weeks. So not only was I having lots of trouble walking just to the bathroom and feeling nasty even sitting up, but I had no idea of how much worse it would get and how many weeks it would go on. Monday was sudden. My body was suddenly much worse. A quick ultrasound showed that 40% of the placenta was detached. So suddenly I was getting other people's blood and going under.
Now I have to say that I really don't mind having been asleep for the cesarean. Not sure that I would want to lie there knowing that the doctor is cutting me open, even if I couldn't feel it. Nah. I did laugh though, at the thought of Michelle Fuller having a cesarean.
Back to things being sudden. Suddenly I wasn't pregnant. As soon as I woke up they took me on a bed to see my baby. It was good to see her.
And I went to bed happy. I was terribly relieved to know that every day now, I'll feel better. I'm not laying there wondering how much of Toby's life I'll have to miss. I don't have to be afraid of how much medication it is going to take to keep me pregnant. I don't have to wonder about how it's going to end. I will see and feel snow before the end of the week. I will be in my Toby's house!
But today I feel the other half of the feelings that come with this. I really really miss Alicia. She's not inside me anymore. I don't really get to be her mama for a few months yet. I probably won't breastfeed her for another two months. I might get to hold her next week. She won't be in our house until at least February. Toby doesn't get to meet his sister until she comes home. This hurts. I'm not worried about her. She's at one of the best facilities in the country and has so many people praying for her. I'm not worried. It's just hard to be a mama and not be with my baby.
Thank you again for your support my friends. It feels so very good to have you walking this with us.
Michelle
posted by Michelle Fuller @ 8:25 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Good job, mama...she's gorgeous (I have to say that Gabe and Eva were nowhere near that cute at birth- although they obviously became adorable later).
Your heart will break over and over that you can't split yourself in two and hug both children all the time, but all of this is temporary, and a lifetime from now (and in the blink of an eye, as well), you will be hugging both of them...and it will be more wonderful than you can imagine.
Allie was not able to visit the NICU either, and in retrospect, I think that was an ok thing. She was just delighted to have mommy home (and I was only gone a week)...we showed her lots of pictures and talked about her brother and sister and why mommy had to pump milk, and why they were in the hospital. She even offered to pump for them herself a few times.
I'm so glad for you that all the uncertainty of this pregnancy is finally resolved. The fact that Alicia is so healthy and beautiful is icing.
I want to check in with you, but I don't know if you're being overwhelmed with calls and visits, so call me when you feel up to it (whenever that is).
She is beautiful! in comparison to the pictures of the preemie twins I nannied for, she looks great. the twins were so frail, i could easily count their bones. with so many people praying i'm sure she'll be home soon. love always, kayla
I've been so buried under my training duties at work and writing that I completely missed seeing everything unfold, but it was so good to come here and see my prayers being answered right before my eyes. Your baby is beautiful. I was a preemie baby and I'm the healthiest person in my family. I was quite as preemie as your precious little one, but it's so awesome that you get to welcome her into your lives. I'm sorry that you don't get to immediately be mama, but I'm so glad that you are well, you both are safe and healthy and that you can get some much needed rest from any worry you may have had. You, your family and your new baby are in our prayers, and we hope our prayers and love will surround you. Congratulations Mama!
Michelle-
Glad that you, Josh, Toby, and Alicia are part of my church community!
We certainly are going through this together. This wonderful, tiring, out of every human's control situation is definitely still in my prayers...
Victor
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful little girl, Michelle & Josh!
You've all been in our thoughts and prayers, and will continue to be so during this exciting, yet somewhat stressful time, too.
What a blessing you have - 2 wonderful children! Alicia sounds like such a trooper and fighter.. one day at a time, and soon it will be February, time for her to come home!!
Congratulations again... we can't wait until you can bring your precious daughter home, and we can't wait to meet her at church!
Michelle, take care of yourself... I'm sure it will be nice to be home and with your boys!
Heidi, Ed, Avery & Berit
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