Feeling Good

I took both Toby and Alicia to see their doctor yesterday. I consider it my greatest feat of two-parenthood yet. There's little news about Toby from the doctor. He's fine. And my Alicia? Oh my goodness, she's actually just fine too! She weighed EIGHT POUNDS! I couldn't believe it. The doctor and I hugged. She gained 10 ounces in the last 9 days. That's exactly the rate we'd like to see her gaining at, but she hadn't been. Also, the doctor heard no crackles in her lungs, meaning no fluid. This was just the family practice doctor, though. She doesn't want to be the one to decide that Alicia should come off of her diaretic (which causes mineral loss among other things). Alicia will see the pediatric pulmonologist this coming Tuesday. He'll decide those things. But this is all just good.

I'm surprised just how very good Alicia's weight gain makes me feel. I thought that I felt like I was already at the height of good feelings just having Alicia home. But this feels better. I feel like I've finally been given my daughter. Like she really is going to be ours and get to live in our house for a long time.

When Alicia was born I had to mourn so many things. I mourned the loss of being pregnant. When I went into the hospital I wasn't too big. I only got one of those smiles from strangers. I didn't get to anticipate when Alicia would come, would it be late like Toby? I didn't get to give birth to her. It happened without any participation on my part whatsoever. I laid down, breathed in the gas, woke up in pain asking Josh if our daughter was beautiful. We didn't get to bring home a brand new baby. We didn't have any baby showers or celebrations. We didn't get to show her off to other people.

But most of all, I didn't get to actually have that baby. That baby was way too small and stuck in the hospital. And now, I have that baby. And she's very similar to other babies that come home from the hospital new. Even better than those babies who have no idea who these parents are, Alicia knows me very well. She likes me. And she knows her daddy and her brother. Somehow, I wasn't thinking I'd still get to have this eight pound "newborn". This is nice.

In the last post I refered to Alicia as one month old. Preemies get to have two ages until they are one. Alicia has her actual age, based on her birth, which is four and a half months old. Then she also has an age based on her due date (March 4). That one is the adjusted age, one month. The adjusted age is the one we'll go by now. No one expects her to do the things a four month old would be doing. When Alicia was born, she was still working on developing, just the way she would have been in the womb. As a one month old, Alicia has been evaluated by the school district (this will be ongoing) and she is up to speed. That means she can track things with her eyes, she recognizes her mom, she can pick up her head when she's on her belly, stuff like that. We expect Alicia to have more development troubles in a few months when it's time to start rolling over and sitting up.

But today, we are so very happy.