The day in which Michelle becomes the Mom from Hell

First, the news.
Alicia is 3lbs 10oz. She's off the CPAP and just on the nasal canula again. Here's hoping she stays there this time. They've taken her off aminophillin, which reminds her to breathe. She's still having a few spells (two today), but the doctor (whose name, I swear, is Dr. Bendel-Stenzel) thought she should give it a try. I guess around 34 weeks babies begin to grow out of spells. Yes, Alicia Grace is 34 weeks gestation, 8 weeks old. Her oxygen needs are low. Twice she's sucked on her mama for around 5 minutes without having a spell, or any milk just yet. At the moment she still has one IV in her poor little head. When she was sick they stopped her feedings, but those are almost back up to the maximum again. Then she'll get to shed the IV. This time they are feeding her every three hours instead of continuously; a small step towards breastfeeding.

They are also weaning her from the incubator. It used to be that the nurse set the temp she wanted Alicia at, and the incubator increased or decreased the temp to get Alicia to the right temperature. Now, the nurse is setting the incubator temp and Alicia has to adjust her own temp. The temp is currently set at 29C. Room temp is about 21C, so there is a ways to go, but it's a step.

So. My story?
Yesterday (Monday) I got to NICU at 9am. I told the nurse that I'd be there until 11am and wanted to hold Alicia. She told me that I couldn't hold her until the doctor rounded and ordered that. Now, Sunday Alicia wasn't rounded on until 2:30 in the afternoon. I asked if she could just get permission from the doctor before that. She replied that the doctors didn't want to be bothered about things like that. That was about the end of that conversation. And I lost it. I hadn't shed more than a few tears at Alicia's bedside before, now they all came. I cried for, oh, say, 30 minutes. Sobbing. Quite audibly. Letting it all go from the deepest inside. I want to hold my baby. She's my daughter.

Consider these points on my behalf. The day before, the doctor (a different one from Monday) said that I would be able to hold Alicia the next day, provided that she didn't become worse in some way. Monday Alicia was the best I'd ever seen her! She hadn't had a spell in 42 hours! Her oxygen was at 24%! That's nearly room air! Also remember that I've been going to NICU every day for 8 weeks. I read Alicia's charts. I know where to find the log sheet about her spells and her lab tests. I can read them. This is my daughter's best day ever. Most NICU nurses would decide on their own, quite easily, that this would be a banner day for holding Alicia. So I just decided that I would go ahead and take Alicia out on my own.

And all hell broke loose. Another nurse is coming over trying to convince me that this is bad for my daughter's health. When they realized I was going to hold her no matter what they said, one of them finally helped. While I was holding Alicia, the doctor stopped by. We talked about Alicia. Then she said that the nurse could have asked her if I could hold Alicia today.

I do feel bad for the nurse. She probably got snapped at once and is now timid about talking to the docs. And then she had to put up with me. Actually, the last time we had that nurse, she wouldn't let me hold Alicia then either.

Oh well. Someday this will be over. And I won't have to ask for permission to hold my own daughter. But Josh will.