Mama

When Toby was born I felt that just by being on the outside, he was too far away from me. Alicia is miles away in a box. By herself. This is the part that's more difficult for me than worrying about her health. Just being away from her. It's wrong. It's so very wrong for a baby to be away from the mama. I don't expect it to get any easier. It'll be this hard until she's home.

Sorry to start with the sad stuff, but I might as well continue. Toby also makes me sad these days. It's so hard to see him be insecure. He cries at the drop of a hat. He looks stoic when we leave him. He protests leaving the house. I know Josh told you about him before, but here's the mama saying, this is so hard for me. To watch both of my kids struggling. Struggling because now there are two of them and I can't fix things for both of them. I desire nothing more these days than to give myself to my children hoping that day by day we'll get there.

The better side of things is that I'm finally starting to believe the doctors and nurses when they tell me that Alicia is doing okay. It's so hard for me to look at her and think that this is at all okay. She's so incredibly small. With lots of wires. And a hole in her heart. She can't come home. She should have been inside for another THREE months! This isn't okay.

I did just tell you that I was starting to believe them. And I am. But it still isn't okay with me for my child to have to start trying to breathe long before her time. It's not right to ask that of a person. It's not right to ask her to live outside of her mama so early, no matter how much help science has to offer.

I got to hold her again yesterday. The first time I held her she was wrapped in fleece that doubled her weight. I was still aware that she was too small, but . . . Yesterday I got to do kangaroo care. That's where you hold the baby skin to skin. It was good and it was just horrible. It was the most terribly aware I've been of just how small she is. The pain of watching your children suffer is so very deep. It gives no ear to reason. It's just going to be.

Okay. So here are the details.
-The hole in her heart is still there. They can hear the heart murmur that it causes. The murmur is very soft, so the hole is smaller than it was. Alicia isn't experiencing any of the bad side effects from the murmur. So as long as it stays small and she continues doing well in other areas, she may always have a heart murmur and no surgery. But of course, if something goes downhill, then she'll get the surgery.
-Her weight is 740 grams. She was born at 710 grams. Okay silly Americans, I'll do the conversion for you. She weighs 1 pound 10 ounces. She's gained one ounce.
-She's eating! She is finally getting breastmilk through a tube that goes in her nose down to her stomach. It is a continuous drip of two teaspoons a day (.4ml per hour). She has only been on an IV drip for most of her first days and that isn't meant to help her gain but only sustain her. So she may start to really gain weight now. Yeah!
-She's still on the ventilator. A ventilator has two measurements (that I know of). The first is how much oxygen they add. Alicia is breathing room air. The second is how much pressure they give. She is on very low pressure. This is all very good.
-Tomorrow Alicia will be 28 weeks gestation.

Oh, here's a funny thing. When Toby was born he was terribly gassy. I went off wheat and dairy and that solved it. I had understood that this had more to do with my body than his, so I assumed that I needed to do the same for Alicia. I let the doctor know and she told me that because preemies' immune systems are so underdeveloped, they don't see any allergy issues in them. If she will have a problem with my milk, it will be when she is closer to full term. So for now I can have all the pizza and Christmas cookies I want.

I thank you again for all of your prayers. We couldn't do this without you. I give God all the glory for how well my daughter is doing.

Michelle