The Forest Fire

About a month ago we suddenly had all of these social gatherings to attend. Alicia was out and about meeting lots of new people. People that were old people to me. And more than a few people said, "Everything back to normal now?" This question caught me so off guard. A person who might ask this question is so very far from understanding the answer that I didn't want to attempt an honest crack at it.

Another common exclamation upon meeting Alicia was, "She's a miracle baby!" Josh and I rarely bothered to point out that miracles, by nature, are typically instantaneous rather than drawn out over four agonizing months, or that to be in need of a miracle in the first place is to be in a lot of pain. We didn't get into the whole question of whether or not Alicia really did receive any miracles. If you believe she did, well then there's your answer.

So no. Everything is not back to normal, in a million different ways. Let's start with some obvious ones. I used to have one child. Now we have two. I used to work. Now I don't. We used to have more money. Now we pay hospital bills and premiums. I used to have more time. Now we make lots of calls to clinics and the insurance company. We go to the doctor a few times most months. I didn't used to care about germs. Now we wash our hands constantly. We don't shake hands with people anymore. I freak out when people reach out to touch Alicia. My daughter often sounds like a squeak toy (asthma).

But deeper than those things, I'm really not the same. I usually say I'm still reeling. I have a few ideas about why, but I also really don't understand why. Or how to fix it.

A lot of life fell away while Alicia and I were in the hospital. I stopped working. That's a loss of relationships and a loss of fulfilling work. We left our church. That was huge. It needed to happen, but goodness, we sure didn't want it to happen when it did. That was a tremendous loss. And my dad and stepmom left Minnesota. They moved to Phoenix, Arizona.

Friends. We still have our friends. But all of that time in the hospital, I wasn't developing my friendships. I didn't see too many people. I had no energy for arranging any kind of activities in my life and we really discouraged people from contacting us. We sort of meant to do that. And at the same time, well, it was really tough. I spent my winter in the hospital. With nurses and doctors and a few other moms. But those were temporary people in my life. Now they are gone too.

So indeed, my life feels like the aftermath of a forest fire. I'm not sure how else to convey this odd loss and emptiness that I feel. Especially since we all know that I have this beautiful daughter who laughs and kicks and makes merry.

And thus, on Thursday Alicia and I are taking leave of our men and we're going to Seattle and Vancouver. Seattle possesses one Chad and one Melinda Anderson. They are both grads of the same Bible college where Josh and I met. In fact, Melinda was the first person that I told that Josh had finally kissed me. Or maybe I didn't tell her. Maybe she just guessed. And Chad has a brain tumor. He's had it since he was eleven, I believe. I forget whether he's given it a name of its own. So you see, Chad has spent his share of time in children's hospitals. And on top of that, he has recently finished a degree in counseling and would like to work in a children's hospital. HA! So I get to go have a little counseling. Oh, I'm really excited. Around Christmas time Chad and Melinda were visiting and Chad was just the best person to talk to about the whole experience.

Then, since I'm so close and all, I thought Alicia and I should just pop on up to her other country. From Sunday to Tuesday I'll see Josh's family up in Canada.

Don't worry about Josh and Toby. Josh was a single dad for a month while I was in the hospital. This time he won't have to run to the hospital every night after getting home from work. They'll be fine. Josh has got all kinds of stuff planned. He even made a list of meals already. Expect to see plenty of blog postings from him while I'm gone. Although I can't imagine what he'll have to talk about without Alicia and me around.