Lesson One

Now, I realize this may sound like bragging. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not above a little self-aggrandizement "every once and a little while," as The Killers say. But it's true. I really am the best husband in the world. At least according to my wife, and how many guys can say that?

So whether you're a husband, about to become a husband, or just desperately trying to become a husband, pay attention. These next few posts could change your life. Or even make you laugh. Probably just make you laugh. But having your life changed sucks anyway. It's very inconvenient.

If you're female or permanently single, you still might pick up a thing or two. And if not, just remember I never charged you for this.

How to be a Perfect Husband
Part one: Blatant Self-Interest

The rest of the precious nuggets of wisdom which I intend to share in the next n* posts, I had to learn the hard way, through experience. But this first one I somehow just knew innately, from day one. And it's also the most important. If you can get this, you'll be almost there without me telling you anything more. It's also so beautifully simple that even you, yes you, can learn it. Here it is.

Every chance you have to make your wife happier is a chance to make your life easier.

You don't believe me, right? It can't be true. The world can't really be that simple. Well it is. And don't ever doubt me again, jerk.

Every time your wife asks you to do something, every time she hints that she might need a hand with the dishes or the laundry, every time some unpleasant task needs doing and the two of you find yourselves each giving the other that look that says, "I hope you're going to do that," you are being offered a chance to pave the road ahead with a little more smooth, pleasant asphalt.

This isn't about having something to hold over her head, or collecting favors that she owes you. Nor should you expect immediate returns each time you come through. But if you are the kind of husband who makes his wife happy when given the opportunity, you will find yourself in possession of a wife who will find ways to make her husband happy.

See, this is the difference between us. They will find ways. We don't know how to find them. We don't know where to look. But when they are presented to us, we just need to come through. And believe it or not, that will be good enough. A lot of fuss is made over a woman's tendency to be opaque, to conceal her true feelings and only drop hints so vague Sherlock Holmes would miss them. Maybe some women are like that, but eventually they usually learn that we're too stupid for it. If your wife learns that you will respond when asked, believe me, she will ask.

Which brings us to our first counter-argument. What if it's too much? If I did everything she asked me to do, she'd find more things to put on my honeydew list. I'll become her slave! Shut up. Listen, stupid. You're not married to Dr. Reynolds (bonus points for the reference). Don't ask me what, but there must have been something about you she liked when she married you, and she probably knows you better than you do. She's not going to treat you completely like dirt. Usually.

"But that's just being whipped!" some of you are saying. Ha ha, I chortle heartily. We don't usually tell this to just anyone, but those of us who are 'whipped,' as you call it, have a lot more freedom than you think. Certainly more than some my-way-or-the-highway manly man who goes out for a beer with his friends whenever he pleases and comes home to a nag or a cold shoulder. A happy wife doesn't just let her husband have fun, she encourages it. And what kind of wife are you going to have? That's right.

So, to review. Do whatever she says. Because you love her? No. Because marriage is a sacred institution of giving and trust? No. Because you are selfish, and it is simply in your best interest.

Class dismissed.

* - n being a positive integer conditional on several variables including enthusiasm as gauged by comments, presence or absence of other topics to blog about, and how fast I get bored of this.