Day 1(07)

Ah. We're home. I've currently got Alicia snuggled up in her Moby wrap, the top picture. This is what I've been longing for, to hold her. And hold her. This wrap holds her so beautifully close, it feels like the pregnancy I never had.

So today was a day of figuring out new routines. How are we going to keep track of her meds (12 doses a day)? Of how much she bottles? How far does this cord stretch? How is Toby going to take this? How are we going to get through the night?

Alicia's doing fine. She's tired today, but we expected that. Alicia tired doesn't just mean sleepy, it means a bit less eating, temp a little low, a bit of apnea. Alicia's not your average newborn. But this is my daughter and I know her. She is the Alicia that I know. She'll have more energy tomorrow. And she'll have all the mama she wants (although I have to keep reminding myself of that in the middle of the night).

Thank you my friends. Thank you for taking this journey with us.

We, as North Americans, always want to take a lesson from things. We think that will help us avoid the same problem in the future. We've heard Christians say things like, "When you finally gave it all over to God, that's when He . . . ", or "You'll be closer to God after this." "God will never give you more than you can handle." I don't agree with these. Or, how about "God gave you this to deal with so that . . ." which goes along with "Everything happens for a reason."

Josh and I don't agree with these. I won't argue with Christians who think that God actually caused this to happen. Maybe he did and I'm missing it. But that's not what we think. We think Alicia was born early because of a combination of factors: I'm factor five liden positive (my blood clots too easily), I flew during pregnancy, I breastfed during pregnancy, and we had sex. (Gasp!) But once in the middle of all this, God never let us go. He was also not what we wanted him to be. That's okay with me now. I wanted God to do anything that would be "miraculous." I wanted him to really show that he was God and he was there. And depending on your viewpoint, he really didn't. All along, Alicia has been at or below average.

All this said, I do have a different relationship with God now. I've really felt what it is to be at the end of myself and my belief. More than once. And to be carried out of it. "Though she stumbles she will not fall, for the Lord upholds her with his hand." I don't know if there's anything that I could ever tell you about that that would help you. I think you just have to walk through it yourself. Yet I'd never wish that upon you.

One thing I hope we really do learn from this, despite a lack of televangelist level miracles, is that life is so much better when so very many people pray. For that to happen we need to know how to pray for one another and we need to do it. So let's all ask for prayer so much more often. Not that we'll get what we ask for all the time. Maybe not even very often. But it's good for us.