Mother's Day

I cried through most of church today. I don't typically miss the Porch, but I was thinking that at the Porch, you'd better not cry in church if you don't want to be comforted. By twelve people. In my mega church this morning I was on my own. I do know people there who would have stopped and hugged and prayed for me, but among the 2,000 people I just didn't run into them.

My stomach hasn't felt right for a few days.

I'm worried about Alicia. I can't not be. Some days, well most days, I think that I'm somehow a different mother because of all we've been through. I think I'm better than this.

Yesterday in music class there was a mother talking about her daughter's warts. She was saying she was going to have them burned off instead of waiting for them to go away on their own "because you don't want to have spots all over your daughter." And I thought this mom is so petty. This mom is so dumb. As if I'm just superhero mom compared to this silly woman worried about warts.

But today I just cry. I just cry. There's just crying to be done.

Maybe it's that for most of this road, there's been a next step. After the doctor calls there will be another appointment to make, another possible diagnosis to investigate. I'll have to gear up, be intelligent, and keep going. But right now, there's nothing for me to do but wait. I'm not impatient. I know my parents like to accuse me of that, but I'm not right now. I think that since it isn't required of me to be thinking of questions and connections, I'm not. Instead it's time to cry.

We'll let you know what we know when we know.