from here

I'm not sure I've given lots of thought to how I expect people feel after bad things happen to them. Perhaps because I just assume that their faith is stronger, if they are Christian. But now I'm here. And I wouldn't call my faith stronger in the least.

When I landed in the hospital I said, "Okay God. Do whatever you like, but I want you to have all the glory." I was excited to see what God would do. I really had getting out of the hospital in mind. I had a healthy baby in mind. Miracles.

Many people were praying. Alicia was born and more people began to pray. You can call anything a miracle that you like, but there was nothing in her path through the hospital that was unexpectedly good. In fact she was a bit slow getting out of there. But yes, she is healthy. She had only an 80% chance of living.

It isn't too hard for me to look at this on the screen and think that I'm merely pouting. Pouting because I was hoping for fireworks but received something else. And I'm so horrible. I think often of the babies who die. Christian babies who die. All of this time I've been keenly aware that just because we pray, doesn't mean that the baby lives.

I began my cute little Christian life in Sunday school learning that you should pray to God and He'll answer you (you'll get what you want). What if you want a bike? Oh, the Bible isn't talking about bikes, silly. We get older and watch more prayers go "unanswered" and begin to wise up to some degree. We pass through thinking, "Well, God doesn't think that person deserves X," and, "That person doesn't have enough faith." Or how about, "It isn't time yet. She just has to keep praying." I'd like to say that I've passed those answers now too. But passed on to what?

One of the things I hated about reading the Bible when I was a kid was that Jesus seemed like such a smart-ass. People would ask Him a question and He'd start talking about something else. No one that ever taught me the Bible seemed to think this was strange. Am I the only one? It gives me the idea that these people were asking the wrong questions.

So the next easy answer I'm thinking of is, "She is praying for the wrong thing. You have to find out what God wants first and then pray for that."

But that's ridiculous. It runs so deeply within us that babies should live. And live healthy, joyful lives. I can't imagine that where we need to be headed with our faith is to some place where we stop praying for healthy babies. Even as we realize that may not be among God's highest wishes.

That last sentence is hard for me to write. Maybe it's not true. But that's a touch of where I'm beginning to be. My current response to unanswered prayers is similar to some of those old answers. When God doesn't grant what I've wished, in some cases I think that I need to keep looking to see what it was that God did want to happen.

I don't believe that God isn't listening or doesn't care. I do believe that even our God-given desires for goodness can be a step down from a greater glory that God desires.

I'm crying. God's glory is too much for me. It's difficult to want it. I would drive to the hospital day after day just drowning. Needing so badly to be filled with something so far from this pain. There is no happiness on this earth that equals the depth and persistence of pain that we walked. That so many walk every day. Happiness just doesn't stick around like that. I needed heaven. I needed God's glory. I needed something so very strongly good. And I couldn't ask for it. And I wouldn't take it. I knew very well and clear that God was ready to give it to me. But I was very afraid of it. God's goodness is so much to take, on so many levels.

God's glory. I believe that God was glorified in the suffering of my daughter.

Who could want that? But who would deny Alicia that? Alicia's life has called more people to pray than most of us have in our much longer lives. Alicia could do nothing on her own. She could not breathe, she could not poop, she could not pee, she could not eat. Her heart needed help. She needed blood transfusions. She needed heat. She needed oh so much help. It is when we can do nothing that God can be most glorified. He must become greater I must become less.

The most important thing I want to teach my daughter as she grows is to never fear the times when she is helpless. Rather, I want her to run after her own helplessness. It is the bizzare nature of our God to love so very much the helplessness of his children. I will tell her that she began life as helpless as there is, and that she has triumphed because of the mercy and strength of her God. And that in all of it, God was so very much glorified. What has she to fear?