So yesterday lots of people were congratulating me on getting to hold her every day now, and I didn't get to hold her yesterday. The doctor changes every week and this one said only ten minutes a day. And yesterday the nurse thought that Alicia was already wiped out, so she said no holding for the day. But I didn't cry.

I held her again today. This nurse said 30 minutes. So 30 minutes it was. The doctor did change one other thing. For the last week or so Alicia has been taken off the CPAP for 30 minutes at a time (another thing I forgot to mention). They blow oxygen in her face, but she has to open up her lungs from scratch. Remember the CPAP gives just a bit of air pressure that keeps her lungs from closing completely so that she doesn't have to work as hard to open them by herself. So off the CPAP means doing more work. Last week she usually didn't last the whole 30 minutes. She would get to try every four hours. This week the doctor wants her on a nasal canula when she comes off. That's what those old smoker men have in their noses when they drag their oxygen tanks to the drug store for more cigarettes, just the tube coming around both sides of her head with two prongs going into her nose. And he (the doctor) also said that he wants her to be off the CPAP during the time that I hold her. Very cool. I could see her face today when I held her! We both enjoyed it very much.

And then I tried the breast thing again. I tried the football hold today. Her heartrate and breathing were just great. Absolutely no intrest in a breast whatsoever. Mother please get this thing out of my face! Remember that she doesn't get hungry. So I squirt just a tiny bit of milk in her mouth to give her a taste. Mmm, yummy warm sugar. She coughed! I totally freaked out! Also remember the part about babies her age not being able to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time? I freaked out! I thought I was going to kill my baby. I quickly brought her vertical and called the nurse (I was behind a screen by myself). The nurse came over, but Alicia's stats were just fine the whole time. Despite the milk and the cough she was just beating and breathing away. Mom was really the only one freaking out. I'm not entirely sure what my goal is in this intro to the breast thing, but I think today was a success. I didn't kill my child with my milk.


Alicia has a picture of her favorite brother to keep her company.