Return of the How to be a Perfect Husband

After Michelle went and gushed to you about how great a husband I am, I found it difficult to think of any more things to say about my greatness as a husband, because when I do it I'm just kidding. But I think a good topic on which to expound for the third and probably final installment of my "How to be a Perfect Husband" series is:

Special Occasions

As Michelle mentioned, we just celebrated our sixth anniversary. Christmas is coming up. Then Valentine's Day. It seems like the pressure never lets up on you as a perfect husband. Throw in her birthday and you have an absolute minimum of four days a year on which to screw up, not including Mother's Day, the anniversary of your first date, St. Patrick's Day, Halloween (hey, I don't know your wife's tastes), and so on.

The thing about these days is, just what I said. They are not opportunities to surprise your wife and lavish affection on her; they are opportunities to screw up. The best you can do (ie. the Perfect Husband thing to do) is to not disappoint her. At the end of the day, you will either be good enough or horribly insufficient. There are no A+'s on these days. Every other day of the year you can (and occasionally should) surpass and surprise. Not this time.

It is true that many of these days are supposed to work both ways. For example, an anniversary or Valentine's Day, at least in theory, obligate both parties to manifest their affections for each other in some tangible (some would say artificial) manner. But as we all know, most of the time the woman can get away with a back rub or a flattering blog post, whereas flowers are the bare minimum for us guys.

As Calvin (& Hobbes, not John) once observed, the best way to not disappoint is to lower expectations. This is one tried and true method. Going all out might seem like fun the first time, but next year she's going to wonder where the limo and string quartet are now, and who ate the other two pieces of candy from this box.

Another method, the one I'm going to endorse, is to make your approach long on "thoughtfulness," if short on lavishness. Really, the key to special occasions is to demonstrate that you've given some thought to pleasing your princess rather than just thrown money at the situation. Mix tapes, and more recently, CD's, have always worked for me, but that may be problematic long term as iPods proliferate. A poem is usually a big hit, and not as hard as it sounds. Just think of half a dozen or so nice things to say about her, then think of three ways to say each one, then arrange them in random order on a piece of paper. Handwritten only. If you're truly hopeless, help is available online. Here are some resources to check out:

http://www.savemyass.com/
http://www.theromantic.com/
http://www.lovepoemsandquotes.com/
http://www.lovingyou.com/

These sites are arranged in ascending order of puke-inducement potential, but let's face it guys, sometimes you have to stomach the sap. As we've mentioned a few times already in this series, the rewards are worth it and the alternative is to be avoided at all costs.

In conclusion, I hope this series has been of some help to you, and I'd like to remind you not to take anything I say seriously. Ever. I'm now going to go watch Monday Night Football and drink beer. Looking at those websites gave me the willies.