Theories

The further back in the archives of this blog you go, the more likely you are to encounter a post in which I espouse some ridiculous theory that I've come up with. Rest assured that it is not because I no longer hold such theories that those posts are appearing less frequently nowadays. I am still occasionally accosted by odd notions that strike me as, if not entirely true, at least strangely compelling, like my theory that Keanu Reeves is the logical antithesis of Kevin Costner because he consistently gives bad performances in good movies (where as Costner consistently does the reverse). Or that Korn is the only band that consistently writes songs in which the bridge is the best part of the song, better than the chorus and verses.

The other night, I attended a concert with my wife at our church. I enjoyed the concert quite a bit, for although it was not quite my favorite style of music, the performers were all very talented and creative, and that carries a lot of weight with me. Also, the songs were all accompanied by images being shown on the two large screens in our church auditorium, after the fashion of all trendy and hip churches in our day and age. As is the norm, these images were mostly extreme-close-up photographs of things which no sane human being would take photographs of, like hand railings or guitar frets or water. One was of telephone wires, and as I stared absent-mindedly at the photograph while listening to the song, I had the idle thought that the photograph might be greatly improved if a pair of sneakers were hanging, tied together, from one of the telephone wires, and in the next second an entirely new theory popped, unbidden and fully formed, into my mind.

I hope the singer of that song wouldn't take offense at this, because I was enjoying the song. Sometimes I just can't stop my brain.

So I will share this theory with you. The theory is, quite simply, that there is a simple and logical explanation for the mysterious phenomenon of sneakers hanging from telephone wires. Even snopes offers no good explanation for it, but I do, here and now, in one word: photographers.

Photographers do not think correctly. They are able to see an object or landscape from all possible angles at once, and make snap judgments on which will render the subject most aesthetically appealing (or jarring, if you happen to be that sort of photographer). As I've said, they even do this for subjects that no one has any interest in looking at, no matter the angle therefrom. And I realized that photographers would naturally be having the same thought which I just had, that a shot of some telephone wires is much more interesting if there's a pair of shoes hanging from them. Not right in the center of the picture, of course, because nothing can ever be right in the center of a picture. That would be silly. But maybe over towards one side, or in a corner, a simple pair of old, worn shoes dangling, just to give the eye something interesting to do.

So before they snap their picture, they find a pair and toss them up there. And there they stay for future generations of photographers to be inspired by. Of course in these advance times, it's an unoriginal idea, but you have to admire the first photographer who ever thought of it, and snapped that first picture, which must have started a slow, gradual chain reaction, as one photographer at a time thought that they might improve or expand on his concept, until it snowballed into a global phenomenon which has expired many an urban legend much sillier than the hypothesis I have presented here.

And now I have inflicted another theory on you. No need to thank me.