How old is Alicia?

Alicia Grace Fuller was born on November 28, 2005, making her two years old plus a month. She was due on March 4, 2006, Toby's second birthday. That would have made her only 21 months old by now.

It's been a stretching thing for me to let Alicia be two. I generally tell people she's two, even though she's not where a two year old should be. When I'm talking to a mom who has young kids I usually tack on that she was more than three months premature and is actually 21 months developmentally. I'm used to some people looking worried when I tell them Alicia's age. They even ask me, "Is she small for her age?" Um, yes.

Alicia has maintained her position at the bottom of the growth chart for weight and head circumference. For length she actually measured at the 50th percentile. Apparently, she's taller than she is heavy.

Back to Alicia's age. At our quaint little mega-church, wee children change Sunday School rooms when they turn two. For the last room change (15 months), we kept Alicia in the infant room until she was 15 months adjusted. It wasn't until then that Alicia was actually walking. This time, the director encouraged me to go ahead and put Alicia into the next room when she turned 2. I didn't want to, but I did it. I don't have eloquent words to describe why it was an issue for me. I have an idea of a two-year-old and it doesn't fit Alicia. I want to treat her as though she was born when she should have been. I don't want more to be expected of her because she was born early. Granted, there's nothing expected of Alicia in her Sunday School room. And she's been doing fine in her new room.

We've exited Alicia from special education services and boy am I happy about that! I didn't like those teachers. They consistently stated that they wanted Alicia to catch up, and I just hated that. I continued services until Alicia was talking. Our last appointment with them was in the beginning of December. They kept asking me if Alicia had 25 words. I hadn't written them down yet, so I didn't know. She did, actually. When they were finished they said that in every area, Alicia's skills were in the 21-24 month age range. As they were saying this, Alicia began to sing the ABCs. My only concern was that Alicia was keeping pace with her due date. I never imagined that I'd be the parent who wouldn't want to work with the special ed teachers, but I bet my dad is laughing, saying, "Gee Michelle, did you want to be in control of the situation?" I don't know. We just had different goals. I never convinced them of mine. ("Chuckle, chuckle" Dad.)

Oh my goodness! We haven't told you. We just recently, like last week, got the results from Alicia's biopsy of one hemangioma done on August 31st. The conclusion was that they are infantile hemangiomas, meaning they will all disappear without a trace sometime before she turns ten. I was surprised that I felt relieved when I heard the news. I thought that issue didn't bother me anymore. Still, it was nice to know.

So Alicia is becoming less of a preemie all the time. Her lungs are still proving sensitive this year, but it's hard for us to take all of the precautions to illness that we did last year. So far this winter there's only been the one bout of pneumonia and one other scare in that direction. She hasn't needed daily doses of meds.

She does have a rather flat head on the sides. Someone actually came out and said it. And I did think they were kind of rude for saying so. So don't tell me if you hold that opinion as well. If I ask you, you should disagree with me and tell me that her head is perfect.

This year, other preemies that we know haven't had it so easy. One has been diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy and another is being tested for autism. I feel that we've somehow dodged bullets. It strikes so close to home when I hear these things. Alicia is one of the 80% of preemies like her who live. And she's becoming part of a statistic somewhat smaller than that who pass through with nary a scratch. It is surreal to me that Alicia is as normal as she is. As she turned two, I felt that I'd walked into a part-two of some story. I hadn't been able to imagine that she'd ever be two when she was in the hospital. It's really been a crossing over for me.

Alicia's birth and hospitalization have affected my relationship with God. I think I'm only beginning to let myself be angry at God for it. God let Alicia suffer. He let me suffer the pain of not being with her. Not being able to hold my baby girl. Not being able to finish a pregnancy. Not being able to grant Alicia a full three more months in the womb and all of the nutrients and security that come with it. I imagine that will always be painful. For Josh, the fact that Alicia is just fine erases her time in the hospital. For me, there is nothing that needs erasing. Life is what it is. Pain it what it is. It doesn't need to be erased. It doesn't need to be escaped. If there's any erasing going on, it is pain that erases our well thought out idea of life and God and reveals our core. It's good to be reduced to that. It's good. Any more eloquent word I might find would sound cliché. Frequently in worship that pain speaks up and I worship saying, yes God. I will worship you. Even if this is what it means. And thank you for everything that it means. Pain in areas of life that I would never choose. Blessings that I had no patience to wait for. Your love for me despite my lack of humility. Your choice to bless your own name through me when I have given up. And my daughter. Thank you for Alicia Grace Fuller.